Pardon me!

 

Dear you,

Enjoying the holiday Pardonpalooza?  Not a single surprise on the President’s list of forgiven deplorables.  Accustomed to his vile choices, we expected him to pardon people like, oh, you know, war criminals.  Just in time for Christmas! Donald is the ultimate Bad Santa. And he still has four more weeks to forgive anyone for anything.  Do you need a pardon?  Act now!

Recall previous crimes. Which ones would you like erased? Don’t blame yourself for crimes of the heart or “I should have” omissions.  Try to remember those seemingly justified social contract felonies that, in retrospect, feel pretty ikky now.  Here’s a short list of my mea culpas for Don’s consideration:

When I was about ten years old, the very religious boy next door (Greg) told me I was going to hell.  I replied, “see you there”.  He burst into tears.

At Auburn U, I had absolutely zero qualms about breaking the girl code when it came to my sorority sisters' boyfriends.

My first year in NYC, I sold the supposedly sacred sorority pin (pearls and rubies) to some shady guy in the Diamond District.  I had no qualms about that either.

During a summer stock gig in the early eighties, I was oblivious to the concept of sharing-space-in-a cast-house when it came to MY BATHROOM, MY BATHTUB, and MY BATHING TIME!

When I taught aerobics in the nineties, I betrayed the trust of three clients.  I called them Hitler, The Big Stink, and Helmet-Head behind their backs.  (You know why they earned those names; don’t play innocent.)

I stole a stapler from one of my past-life temp jobs.  I still have that stapler.  It’s really good.

This week I verbally abused yet another mask-less, MAGA cap wearing teenage boy in Publix; this time I kept it simple: “You look like a total asshole in that hat”.  (Good lord, I said this to a kid.  Talk about punching down.)

Whenever I see members of my condo HOA board lurking about, I pretend I don’t see them.  Or I flip them off.

I could go on, but I think this is a good start.  Hopefully, Donald will add my offences to his list. He’s making a list, checking it twice, forgiving the naughty and harming the nice.   Send Bad Santa Trump your list of pardonables ASAP!  His time is running out . . .

Good night and good luck,

Your Inexcusable Joyce

PS – I do wish everyone well this Christmas Eve.  I am hanging on to the words of Captain Lee from Bravo channel’s unpardonable but fabulous Below Deck: “No sailor learns anything in calm seas.”  Stay afloat.