Dear you,
The day after 12/25, I am thinking about certain versions of
Christmas cards. The ones I appreciate most
are generic, from acquaintances like my mail carrier and dental office
staff. The mail carrier is awesome and
surviving the strangling efforts of her boss, that DeJoy man. Her card, left in my mailbox before
Christmas, thanked me for being a good customer. The image was traditional, a sleigh in the
snow, evergreens, and a wish that my Christmas and New Year be bright. The card did its job as a messenger of good
vibes. I can say the same about the
dental card. Nothing self-serving. Just good wishes and touching
images. The mail carrier and dental
office greetings are wildly different from another kind of card I received, one
of those “fabulous life” cards featuring the smiling nuclear family. You’ve gotten
these before. You see the family sitting
together in a boat or something somewhere exotic. Their tans are complimented by their
freakishly white clothes and teeth. These cards are the old-school versions of
selfies, self-promotion cloaked as sharing and they bug me a little bit. Yes, we all pose for self-congratulatory vacation
photos, but we don’t all use them as Christmas cards. There is usually a
tasteful reason to not do that. I would
say one tasteful reason is that Christmas is also considered a holy day (for some). Probably a good idea to avoid the “look at me
being all A-list” messages on holy days.
I got one of those fabulous life cards this year from a
realtor I know. Beneath each photo
(there were several making up the front, back and center of the card) was a
little summary about what this or that posing person achieved in 2021. The did-list shared the highs. Little Janey is graduating from an expensive
California university and headed to the perfect internship with a company
famous for making expensive things.
Little Bonita is killing it with her online influencer gig, and just take
a look at that handsome boyfriend who joined us for the trip! The husband and I are busy perfecting our
backhands on our new tennis court and breaking sales records every week. Real estate is hot, hot, hot! What a
phenomenal year!
Yawn. Look, I
appreciate the good fortune of others, but this just sounds like bullshit. Boring bullshit. Why not share the lows? You want to hook your audience, tell the
backstory baby: Little Janey will
graduate with massive student loan debt. You aren’t paying for anything because
she was a train wreck her entire senior year, binge drinking, binge eating, and
binge f-ing all the wrong people. You hope
the internship at your uncle’s Ferrari dealership will get her back on track.
Little Bonita claims she is looking for a real job since her
internet gig is “toxic”. She’s been
looking for five years now. She’s 32
years old and lives in your basement guest room. As for the boyfriend? You all know he’s gay. Bonita says he’s simply polyamorous; they’ll
work it out once they’re married. What
can’t be worked out is his tendency to steal money from your home office petty
cash drawer whenever he visits.
Finally, there’s you and the mister. He is cheating on you
with your receptionist. How cliché,
right? Couldn’t he have hooked up with
someone further up the real estate food chain?
You don’t care because you are having an affair with your tennis
coach. And the guys who installed the
new tennis court. And the lawyer who is
handling your IRS audit (those record sales will cost you).
Now that’s a card I want to receive. Instead of the fabulous life posing, send me a
TRUTH OUT Christmas message. Something the Grinch would enjoy.
Candor is sublime.
I hope your holidays are/were sublime too.
Love,
Resting Grinch Face Joyce
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