Resolved!

Dear you,

And now it's time for those New Year's resolutions! I googled the tradition and read some hilarious pieces about what NOT to add to that list.  For example, Realbuzz.com advised readers not to quit their jobs: "Surely drunkenly calling your boss up on New Year’s Eve and leaving an abusive voicemail about where they can stick their job is one of the worst New Year’s resolutions you can ever act on? Quitting your job over the festive period is bad news if you don’t have a new job to go to come January."  Sound advice. Advice I didn't take; in fact, I sent a few rude emails to my online tutoring gig team leader recently. I am pretty sure that working relationship is over. Acting like an asshole was NOT on my 2022 resolution list.  Now I have to find a new job, maybe one where I have to wear a visor and be a people-person. Karma's a bitch.  Anyway, the point is that kind of rash sassiness shouldn't make your 2023 list.  Here's some other things I would advise you not to resolve for 2023:

1. Make peace with Uncle Zippy who attends Trump rallies.

2. Learn to love unwanted facial and body hair; just let it go, baby!

3. Join a church whose philosophy repulses you to prove you have an open mind.

4. Replace expensive cigarettes with homemade smokes (fry beef jerky in skillet until golden brown; wrap it in toilet paper and ignite).

5. Sign up for the pickle ball team at the local senior center.

Yes, the resolved actions are pretty specific and that is supposed to be a good thing in terms of execution, actually accomplishing something.  But I advise you to do the opposite in all cases; instead, please resolve to:

1. Reject toxic family members.

2. Attend to your beautiful self and eliminate body hair.  All of it.

3. Stick to your principles without fear of judgment.

4. Embrace your expensive addictions.

5. Be a joiner if  and only if the joining makes you smarter, faster, and sexier.

That said, here's my list for 2023:

1.  Sell this damn condo and buy a quiet home somewhere civilized. (God in heaven, let this year be THE year this happens.)

2.  Read more poetry and watch fewer Bravo Below Deck episodes.

3.  Eat Chinese takeout whenever I want, even for breakfast.

4.  Keep resisting the pressure to wear flip-flops in public. Those things are for the beach or the shower. 

5.  Revel in the best, the sweetest memories; don rose colored glasses when looking back.

6.  Stay young and don't die.  

So resolved, so it shall be.  

Best for 2023,

Joyce